What The Hell Was That ???

We apparently live in a country where, if you listen closely, only white men exist… unless one just jumped your fence with a shotgun yesterday. Then he vanishes like a government drone bird. Totally not real. Just wind. Just vibes.

Key takeaways from the BIZZARE alternate world of perverts :

– Crime? Only committed by brown people. Every white guy? Medal ceremony pending.

– Women exist exclusively as grieving widows waiting to be applauded on cue.

– The government’s master family plan: here’s $1,000… good luck with that $300,000 child you just signed up for. Don’t spend it all on diapers.

– “401Ks for all!” Fantastic. I’ll invest my DOGE dividend, my tariff windfall, and the unicorn stimulus check while I’m at it.

– Epstein survivors? Apparently invisible. Even when sitting in the room. Wild how selective eyesight works.

– Tariffs magically bring in $175 billion and somehow replace $5.1 trillion in federal revenue. Sure. And I bench 400 pounds on Tuesdays.

– Foreign countries “pay” tariffs. Yes, and gravity is optional. Importers pay them. Then consumers do. This is Econ 101, not Hogwarts.

– JD Vance is Scooby-Doo unmasking corruption, only to rip off the mask and reveal… JD Vance. Ruh-roh.

– The Supreme Court is “very bad” unless it agrees with him. Civics lesson: separation of powers isn’t a suggestion box.

– The Dow hitting 50,000 is treated like the Second Coming, even though it’s 30 companies and not a national mood ring.

– The guy who “doesn’t care about awards” would really, really like a Medal of Honor… despite the minor technicality of never serving. Bone spurs must’ve healed heroically.

– Handlers managed to keep him coherent for two hours, proving he can do it. Fascinating behavioral experiment. Perhaps oatmeal is the key to democracy. Or a massive dose of ADDERALL?

And the overall message? Everything is amazing, nothing is real, facts are optional, and vibes are policy.

It’s performance art wrapped in grievance, sprinkled with economic fairy dust, and delivered with the Maple confidence of someone who thinks tariffs are paid by France directly Venmo’ing the Treasury.

The strange part isn’t the theatrics. The strange part is how many people clap like it’s a TED Talk on “How to Ignore Reality and Prosper.”

The world is complex. The economy is interconnected. Democracy is fragile. But apparently, we’re solving it all with vibes, medals, and imaginary revenue streams. 🇺🇸✨